/fornicate/
One of the key symptoms of my anxiety disorder is tremors. When I get anxious or suffer a panic attack, I begin to shake uncontrollably. My whole body tenses up and my arms and legs shake. Sometimes, if I’m standing, I’ll stomp my feet and my entire body convulses; it heaves up and down and twists around. It looks like I’m halfway between having an amazing orgasm and doing some terrifying full-body impression of a vibrator. I look ridiculous. I know what you’re thinking, though. You’re thinking, ‘shit what a stud’. But alas, my anxiety has killed more boners for me than 13 years of Catholic education and my overbearing mother combined.
Having anxiety makes sex and masturbation pretty difficult. It makes it hard to be 100% present in any one moment, at any one time, without thinking about the repercussions of my actions in that moment. Or the moment directly before it. Or whether I’ve locked the front door that day (I have. I checked it exactly seven times before I got off the porch and into my car. So my neighbours all know that I’m insane too). It’s hard to get lost in the throes of passion when the voice screaming at you in your head, is telling you to go and see if you’ve left the tap outside running. You have to boner-waddle with your erection tucked up into the waistband of your pants and check if the tap is, indeed, shut off. (It is, it always is. The only reason I would’ve used that tap was to change the water in my dog’s bowl and he’s been dead for months. But I’ll check it seven times and take a picture of it on my phone, just in case I get anxious about it again.)
To say that my mind uncontrollably wanders during sex and masturbation would be an understatement. It’s extremely hard to have any form of personal or sex life at all. Here are some of the weirdest thoughts I’ve had during sex: